being 30… you should have this life thing all figured out right?
I am 30 and I have no fucking clue what I am doing! And I am ok with it. ” I think so?” Ok some days I am “Ok” with it and others I am like… ” WTF am I doing” ?
Hello all almost 30 year old’s and beyond. Today I feel like sharing a little about my life in this exact moment. Mostly my posts are focused on the past and lessons I learned along the way. But today I am going to share a bit about my life RIGHT NOW.
Even though I told my self I would only keep my present shit to my personal journal. Because it becomes more of a diary then a blog post. And know one needs to hear my frantic emotional thoughts. But today I feel obligated to share said thoughts.
So here it goes….
30 is a really cool age, I am 30 and I will be 31 in May 2018 so in 4 months or so. Crazy! Growing up I never really understood the thought behind “party now while you are young and you can” or “enjoy that body now while it lasts” or ” it all goes down hill when you hit 30″ . All those negative comments about aging and the process of getting older and how much it sucks to be “old”. I mean what age is old anyways? when you are 10 you like 30 is really fucking old. Then you turn 30 and your like “well that’s silly”. I think 65 is old… Then 65 comes and you like 80 and 90 is old.
Each year goes by and we get older, it’s just want happens. So I truly think its just so silly to be worried about getting older. I worry about other life shit so I guess I should be happy that I don’t worry about getting older too. Then I would be a complete mess!
Ok I do have a point here I promise. It’s about expectations and the feeling of needing to have your life all together because you are 30.
But what does fascinate me is the thought or the expectations put on my self by my own fucked up thoughts or other’s expectations that I should have my life together because I am 30 now. Like as soon as I turned 30 years old I should have miraculously woke up an adult and have a clear point of direction and knowing what to do and how to do it. Because I am fucking 30 now!
The truth is on my 30th b-day I ate dark chocolate and drank red wine and stayed up to 6 AM building a fort in my living room with friends. Then had a drunken heart to heart with my bestie and pulled angel cards before we passed out in my bed.
Oops.. That was my 29th b day. For my 30th it was a Wednesday and I enjoyed a Mexican dinner and a Margarita with some close friends and my mom, and went to bed early. I went to work the next day and didn’t feel any different from the day before.
So this idea that when you get “older” you will have life all figured out is a frustrating expectation that I put on my self. I mean I am a responsible, kind human that has made some dumb mistakes in the past as you do when you are late teens and early 20’s. But I am 30 now and the idea of having all this life shit figured out is hilarious to me. When I was growing up I just thought that’s what happens when you get older like you just know all these adult things to do. That I would be married at 25, have two kids by 28 and own a home. I would have traveled and I would own a really nice couch and back yard where we could have BBQ’s with friends and host our children’s birthday parties. I would be an interior decorator / part time Mermaid. I just had this idea that when I got older I would be smarter and fitter and would have all the answers. I would pay my taxes on time, I would have an emergency savings account and I would have enough income to take my husband out on dates and buy lots of yummy healthy groceries to feed him and my family.
Instead I have never cleared more then 36 K in an annual year. I somehow always have credit card debt I am paying off. I just moved to a new province for a change of pace with my amazing soon to be husband. We don’t have children yet. And I have exactly 45$ in my savings account for our wedding that is happening in less then 8 months. I am 25 lbs heavier then my naturally fit body feels it should be, and we have all second hand furniture. The only thing I actually own is an infrared sauna I bought my self last year as a gift to my self to help reduce chronic pain and inflammation caused by autoimmune flare ups. I have an outstanding distracted driving ticket for talking on my cell while driving. ( I was actually talking my boss and giving my notice because I worked at a job I hated for 2.5 weeks when I moved to BC ) I worked at that job because I needed something to do for money. My original job that was great income was postponed and I was filling time while waiting for them to give me a start date. I am currently living with my soon to be husband in his fathers home rent and bill free ( except my cell phone bill ) with a limited shitty income. Literally enough to pay for food, and get my lashes done on a monthly basis. Oh and put gas in the car every so often.
Yes I am still paying for my lash extensions… Because I’m so fucking responsible. Because I am 30 now and I can do that. Haha
We are downsizing into a suit from a 3 bedroom main floor of a house. We sacrificed size for quality of life and location.
Oh and I was sent to collections because we forgot to pay our last Enmax bill when we moved. I don’t have enough saved to pay my taxes in April, and I just paid my GST for 2017 almost one year later. I stopped all automatic withdrawals to charities, RRSP and TFSA due to my lack of regular income coming in. Instead my life is kinda on hold, just taking one day at a time. Waiting for my job with a great income to start up and full time hours to become available. I will need to use a bit of my line of credit to pay for some wedding stuff instead of having cash. And I will need to stay on a tight budget while my income comes in because I have debt things coming up that will cost a bit more then I had expected.
So the idea that I would have all this life shit figured out by now is an insane expectation. And I am starting to realize that even if someone else appears to have their shit together they could be and probably lacking in other areas of their life. Comparing is not helping, and also identifying other people’s faults to make your self feel better is not that great either. Which is something I am guilty of!
I guess what I am trying to say is even though I am 30. I still have no clue what I am doing! All I know is that listening to my gut works. Even if I don’t have all the answers.. Or I don’t exactly know how it’s all going to work out.
I moved to have a better quality of life, to spend more time outside, and to be with family from my soon to be husbands side. I quit my massage job of 10 years to become a Health Coach with a Diabetes prevention company and to work from home and make the hourly income I want, need and know I am worth. And I did all of this 15 months prior to getting married to a man I love so fucking much it makes me smile just thinking about it.
It may look like I have made some pretty awesome changes, and I am just loving life ( according my IG account ) and that I know what I am doing . And everything is fine!
But the past few months didn’t go as planned, because moving and changing jobs never go as smoothly as they are thought out. And although I am happier and extremely glad we made these changes. It has been really hard, I have cried a lot and I feel annoyed and like I am missing out on life because I am living pay check to pay check while my other job starts. Money isn’t everything but it is also really important and it makes me sad that I am 30 and I can’t do the things I wanted to when I turned 30. I mean they are on hold and I am super impatient!.
Today I wanted to share this with you to help you feel at ease. That just because you are 30 does not mean you should or will have everything figured out. And that comparing your self to others doesn’t help. Because you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors.
I also realized that even if you have a clear plan to grow up and succeed, something usually doesn’t work or you need to wait or just let life happen. Because controlling it is not fun, for you or those around you and it’s in those little free moments of time, that you just have to put your hands in the air and say ok I am excepting of this moment. I forgive my self for trying to control everything and I am allowing life to flow through me. At this moment you will find ease and feel like everything is going to be ok. This moment might only last a second because you will then get an alert to pay your phone bill or you will realize that all you want is a green juice but they are too expensive and you need that money to buy other food. But you will get over it!
Enjoy the process means a lot more to me now then it ever has. The process is shitty sometimes but I also have some really cool things coming my way. And this has taught me that being patient while being clear on what you want and taking action has and will pay off.