When you’re Checked out!

Does this retrograde make me look depressed

I’m checked OUT! We are officially announcing to Bedrock CrossFit that I am moving to Victoria BC and at the same time we will be introducing my replacements. So I am in limbo land at the moment and it’s really annoying and depressing. Mostly because I am anxious to move and I want to pack everything up RIGHT NOW and leave but that is not going to happen because we move in 5 weeks. It’s enough time to be excited and get organized for our move by taking multiple trips to Good Will but not fast enough to pack up everything. I partly feel this way also because I feel bad that I want to move. That I am not getting what I need out of my life here in Calgary, and I wish I could but I am not. I also feel upset and annoyed because work is VERY SLOW right now, another reason why I would like a change of pace and to do something else. I am sure these 5 weeks will go by faster if I was busy, but that would also make it harder to pack up and say good bye so I am slightly grateful for it.

That being said… I do this really strange thing when I am anticipating good things happening. I play it down, I don’t get super excited around people about it. And I also make the waiting period leading up to it long and painfully drawn out. For example I could just be in a good mood, and be really excited and happy for these new changes, ( which I am ) but instead of just waking up every day and being happy I am super depressed. I could take advantage of the free gym membership at Bedrock that I have and just work out and enjoy life here until I leave. But I am not!

Instead I have not been consistent this entire year with my workouts, each day I wake up I think YAY one more day checked off the calendar and one more day closer to moving. Then I realize that I still have 5 more weeks left and I am anxious about it all. I am sitting more, I am moving less, I am eating more sugar then ever, and I am drinking wine. I am not happy in my own skin, I am sad and I am anxious that I need to make some major life changes as soon as I move to Victoria. Which I have set up already to happen!

Part of me thinks this is just a phase… It’s just a hard time right now resulting in me feeling “off” and not living my best self. No wonder I feel gross and depressed, I am making just enough money to pay rent ( literally) I have credit card debt I owe. I am taking clients as they come to fill space before I move, and the last year has been a dramatically slower year then ever. I am not as excited about my work here as a once was, and I am not moving enough. I actually have laid on my coach and watched Netflix more the past two months then I have in my entire life I am pretty sure.

I do realize that I could just suck it up and go for a walk and find joy in the simple things….

I like to blame this sluggish lifestyle I have adopted on the Retrograde that is happening right now… Which is great for change and new beginnings but while it’s happening it causes issues with communication and feeling of heaviness. I have not broke out into a full day of crying yet like last retrograde! So that’s good.

My brain is not working, I am not my best self and I am really fucking annoyed with it all.

But part of me knows that this is something I do, I always make life harder for my self and suffer leading up to the exciting new thing because that make the “new thing” that much more exciting and new and uplifting when it happens. How fucked up is that! Like I am actually dragging this shit feeling on for the high at the end. When I move, and get settled and making steady income and paying off my debt and exercising, and spending time out side more and going for walks more and seeing family more. I am waiting for it all I know it will be great, and that is exactly what I need and what Jesse needs and we are actually making it happen! Which is so cool but I am suffering while the time passes leading up to the new move and new joyful life we can make.

I know people say money doesn’t buy happiness but it kinda does, to a certain extent. Because when your not living a joyful life, your not preforming your best, your not putting 100% into your work or your life in general. You may stop doing all the things that once brought you that joy. And you feel “off” resulting in shitty frequencies. Resulting in less work, less money, less money to just pay bills and non left over to do things that bring you joy, like buy organic food, buy a new sports bra or enjoy a night out with your lover. You know if you have enough money to pay for your life and not spend more then you make. Then you can do fun free things and feel good about it but when your forced to do free things because you have zero money and feel like crap about it then those free things just seem annoying.

I Know this sounds doom and gloom and not my usual type of post. But I wanted to be really real today, and share with you that life can be shitty but its what you do with it that counts. It’s just the time spend waiting for the new fun things to come your way can be sad, alone and depressing. It’s not easy , these new changes don’t just happen over night they take time.

I am in that space of time right now. Where I know better and amazing things are coming my way, and up until now that thought of that has been my fuel to keep going. And right now the combination of not being myself. not working out and this retrograde is getting to me!!!

I do feel better understanding my personality and identifying how I deal with situations like this. But even a positive perspective gets clouded sometimes!

I hate feeling this way! I can’t imagine staying stuck in a life that I don’t like. I am really looking forward to all the new scary changes coming my way. But holy shit this transition period is not fun!

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